What happens when you’re stuck? When you’re running low on energy? When you have to confront the mundane and languishing moments in between iconic events? I’ve now spent two consecutive birthdays in essentially lockdown mode, limited in freedom of movement and options for celebration. Lest one misinterprets this as a masked complaint, let me acknowledge my privilege in even being able to consider a celebration of sorts at all. Rather, this is an honest introspection that regularly occurs in this season. For someone who values relationships and shared moments, I must force a paradigm shift to mentally endure what I hope to be the tail end of this pandemic, in fear of some sort of loss of self.

I do birthday posts like these to keep track. Most posts tend to be optimistic and self-affirming, with sprinkles of challenge and self-criticism. The posts tend to be that way because they’re often written in high spirits – cocktails of dopamine and serotonin flowing through my blood because of a recent travel escape or a fantastical celebration. I am able to keep the mind refreshed because I can contrast perspectives between various countries within a two-week trip, or because I am able to experience, in the full meaning of the word, different understandings of our shared humanity. The last year has definitely been lacking in some of these.

Yet, in the absence of external stimulation, I’ve been exploring how to use myself in whatever environments that I am blessed to remain within. Singapore has provided, for the most part, a safe haven within the pandemic. Despite the admittedly annoying (yet necessary) restrictions, my physical health has been the least of my worries, and so I have had the benefit of doing self-work in the last year. Yet, digging within has not been an easy journey.

I would say most of the effort started with attending The Thought Collective’s Facilitating Powerful Conversations which helped me understand my own personal boundaries and how that affects how I interact with others. That brought me down a rabbit hole – I started attending therapy as a way to find personal healing, I deepened my relationship with God and unsurprisingly, I continued developing my facilitation practice within the various organisations I was a part of. I’ve learned to tap onto my identity as a “Loving Warrior”, fiercely dedicated to achieving goals but doing so only with the mobilisation and care for others around me. This is well aligned with my identity as a community builder and advocate.

Using myself, my true self, within The Hidden Good, Clubhouse, Aware, better.sg and the various spaces I have chosen to contribute to has been fulfilling and stabilising. This isn’t a new identity – those who would remember The Hidden Good days knew there was a raw version of this gasping for recognition back then – but the last year has allowed me to fill into this image of myself.

The last 12 months have not been boring – I was on Channel News Asia, the SGExplained podcast has grown to now include a Substack newsletter and various other improvements, and my friendships in Singapore have seen a lot more shared wine and food. I’m moving back in with the family in September as we’ve found a new place that suits more of our needs, and I’ve been blessed to meet new people and gain new perspectives through the various digital platforms available. I am grateful for all of these.

Yet – and it’s a tired and self-loathing “yet” – there is a persistent nagging feeling that all of this was just an effort to pass time and not be bored. How can any of this matter when the season that invites the most introspection for myself is devoid of the joys of life: laughter, adventure and spontaneity? Not just for myself, but for many others. I am not even surprised when close friends forget to send wishes because I worry that they too are experiencing emotional slumps, perhaps worse than mine.

As I turn 28, I am more confident of who I am, and it is from that identity that I worry for what I can only hope to be last serious leg of this pandemic. I cannot wait to once again to draw energy from adventure, wonder and celebration in order to feed the part of myself that relishes in our shared humanity and the wonders of life. In the next few months, I must endure, partially by finding these energies in opportunities closer in proximity, but also by reminding myself that this too will pass. If not, I find myself dying inside, losing focus and inspiration.

I want to spend my last few months before I turn 30 continuing to become who I am so that I can contribute to the impact that needs to be made within society. Holding spaces, elevating voices, lowering barriers and creating opportunities – these are things I want to do, but I must replenish the energy that fuels these motivations.

Let’s see how the next year plays out.