There’s a lot of posts I have pending, both on this blog and on my travel blog, but I thought I’d give myself the freedom to pen down some intermediary thoughts here. There is some sobriety in this post, something my regular readers would know indicates a significant event or realization has occurred causing me to pause and steady myself again. But I promise there is also my usual bravados and naive optimism, so trust that I am alright.

It’s become something of a regular cycle. You’ll see 2 months of me living an extremely surreal life and then you’ll see one of these posts – talking about the need to slow down or be accepting of painful moments in life. It’s a pattern but I’ve caught myself this time. I realize it’s in tune with my lifestyle. I live passionately. I get bored by routine and let my curiosity run amok. It’s why I make a good traveler, engineer, and entrepreneur. But in my desire to feed my curiosity and need for change, I also put myself in harm. Recently, I spent 4 weeks in Berlin, accelerating my German proficiency and trying to understand the German culture and climate. I have a vested interest in the country – I think it’s in for a big role in the future and I want to have a front seat at its success, both as an individual and as an ambassador for Singapore. I then spent two weeks traveling between 9 different cities in 4 different countries. I’m used to this – chain traveling is something I’ve done for 4 years now, but this time I suspect my age caught up to me.

Physically, I can see my body needing more care. I’m still fit and alive – I can definitely go back to service in the military and get around easily – but I think I need to realize my actions have different results. I actually care about sleep and comfort. More importantly, I’ve seen my mental health needing more care. With the exhaustion of traveling and preparing for my Masters combined with my growing sense of loneliness from being away from so many loved ones, I hit a bottom I never knew existed till recently.

I’m not a lonely guy by the contemporary definition of the term. I have tons of friends around the world and more importantly, I am well connected to them. But it is perhaps this that causes my loneliness. When I move around, I realize that while I can always call or video chat with them, I am ultimately physically alone. It is my choice, no doubt. I choose to travel and I choose to leave one location for the next. My desire for regular change is at odds with my desire to be deeply connected with the ones I care about. Physicality is a component of that connection and over time, the lack of it has an effect.

When I was younger, it was easy to get around this problem. I would meet people on my travels and I could develop snap relationships that were intimate and adventurous. I could survive with the short-term nature of it all. I wouldn’t it call it a maturation process to want more long-term connections, but I definitely found myself cherishing those more. I could probably dig out the specific reasons for this by looking through my older blog posts but in short, I’ve chosen to make bigger bets for bigger rewards and small rewards don’t matter anymore.

I’ve also realized that as a storyteller, I have an incredible strength in crafting visions. I can promise possibilities and I live in the future more than I do the present. Yet, when the same exhaustion and loneliness hits, and a striking event occurs, I am forced to confront the sobriety of my reality and the sadness is painful. I am not depressed, far from it. But I am disappointed.  I sometimes make rash decisions as a result of this, such as just wanting to leave a location, and I end up even more disappointed in myself.

Thankfully, the same friends who I’ve built such deep connections to, from around the world, have been there for me these past two months. These two months, that on all my socials seem like some of the best days of my life (and they honestly, truly land amongst them), were not absent of their struggles. These friends reminded me that I wasn’t lonely, that I wasn’t in my own reality. My family, no doubt, continued to be unconditionally supportive and loving of me. I felt like I was starting to comprehend the mind of an explorer more honestly and completely.

One of my friends asked me the question that mattered – “What are you focusing on this year?”  That’s when I knew why I had lost my way a bit. I had adopted the persona of the wanderer so intimately that I had forgotten one of my key strengths was my ability to commit to a cause undoubtedly. Without a vision, I was without foundation. The wanderer in me must accommodate the seeker. My one year in London is full of promise and opportunity and I cannot let it go easily. I must be both spontaneous and prepared, calm and excitable, the perfect harmony of ironies.

I’m still writing these down and I may have a better update in October (It’s not that far away) – but I think I have gotten myself on the right foot again. Once again, I’m reminded of how blessed I am to have my friends and family from around the world.

Look out for more reflection posts on content I’ve been consuming – there’s a lot of striking conversations I’ve been a part of that I think will continue to tickle your minds. I’ve enjoyed reading your comments and chatting with you based on your thoughts of my posts and I am motivated to continue writing.

till next time,