The next topic we scheduled in our series was a discussion on reconciliation in our personal relationships. As a deeply flawed human being who is still taking the journey to understand himself and his environments better, I’ve definitely struggled with some of my relationships, especially when I’ve done something stupid or selfish that put the relationship at risk. Likewise, I’ve been hurt by friends or people in my life because of things they’ve done or said. This topic was therefore sobering and relevant for me to contemplate how healing could happen at the inter-personal level, and if friendships could indeed be revived.

Here are some of the resources we consumed:

1. NYT: The Causes of Estrangement, and How Families Heal
2. Tiny Buddha: Family Estrangement: 3 Stories and the Advice You Need to Hear
3. YouTube/TEDx: A Journey of Reconciliation and Re-building Relationships | Luke Dandurand
4. Reddit: Tell me about your attempts to reconcile with an ex. Anyone successful at it?
5. Tiny Buddha: How to Mend a Broken Friendship (Even if You’re Not on Speaking Terms)
6. WSJ: Delicate Art of Fixing a Broken Friendship

Acknowledge, Apologize and Accept always

Perhaps one of the biggest takeaways from the discussion for me was that it’s always useful to swift acknowledge the mistake made, apologize for it and accept that the relationship is impacted, regardless of whether there’s an intent to revive or reconcile the relationship. The 3As are important for personal closure for all parties involved as they help establish that everyone is operating within the same space.

This has been one of my biggest struggles, probably because of the guilt and shame that has come with some of the mistakes I’ve made. Looking back, my personal ego or my desire to avoid conflict has always come in between me and my apologies to those I care about. Yet, it is exactly this lack of closure that causes many of us to spend latent energy pondering on the “What Ifs”. We live in the contemplative rather than reality, which is not healthy for prolonged durations.

Some of the resources give practical tips on how to establish the right context for these conversations (e.g. ask for dedicated time) but the important thing for me would be to even practice the act of swiftly acknowledging, apologizing and accepting when I’m made aware of my mistakes. I hope I would not even get to a place where I would put my relationships at risk but history has taught me that I’m still a work in progress and I have some way to go before being error-free, if at all possible.

Articulate how you want to take the relationship forward

The above 3As are important to close off chapters after a disruption has occurred but they don’t necessarily preclude that the relationship can resume in its previous form. Both parties now need to articulate how they want to take the relationship forward. In our discussion, some members shared how they have elected before to call a relationship to a close, citing that they were no longer the same people and the relationship no longer made sense.

For others, it may be about re-establishing the commitment to be friends, care for one another and respect boundaries. These could potentially be on stronger terms given that parties are now more conscious of fault lines. It’s important for this to be verbal and articulated because it could very well be that one party simply wants to close the relationship and the other may want to continue on with it. In this case, there needs to be space kept for resistance and for the party that wants to close the relationship to not feel held hostage. Unfortunately, a relationship requires at least two willing parties and we can’t force anyone to be willing.

___

I write all this knowing that I’m still spending energy thinking about relationships past that are left in limbo, impacted by actions either one of us have taken. While I can make a commitment to be better, for current and future relationships, I wish I knew this way before.

For those of you reading who may have further resources, please feel free to comment books, podcasts or articles I can get into. I find this an important topic for our generation.