We all like to win. Winning assures us of our place in society – we are rewarded if we do well and as the adage goes, to those who have more will be given. But life is not as kind to all of us. As far as I know, we fail and when we do, it is difficult to make sense of how we relate to the world. In this discussion, our group tries to understand why failure has its stigma, what we can do about it for ourselves and for others, and how we can visualize a world where there is a place for losing.

Here are some of the resources we checked out:

• How feeling bad changes the brain
• This Is What Happens To Your Brain When You Fail (And How To Fix It)
• 3 Stages of Failure
• The Failure Resume

Understanding how we got here is not too much work. Evolutionary instincts gear us to win because it is how we survive. I can probably draw on a number of books and articles about the place of “alphas” in our society – those who are superior in multiple domains and compel the crowds around them. There is also the fact that beyond survival, winning is a contribution to the whole growth mindset in society, where the spotlight is on those who reap more. Winning makes a lot of sense, but it doesn’t really leave a lot of rational place for losing.

Ideal worlds may accommodate multiple win-win scenarios globally, but the reality of life is likely to be closer to the win-lose phenomenon. People do lose and when they fail, the juxtaposition against the impetus to win creates for a depressing self-reflection.

Yet failure is important. Failure allows us to recognize our life as not a series of accomplishments but rather a journey of learning. We learn from both our successes and our losses, but we must allow ourselves to have that space. They teach us about what we did wrong, what we did true (because sometimes the definition of failure is not made by us), what we value and what drives us. There is a place for some losses along the way so that we can win in the story of our lives.

How then do we reconcile with the place for losing, the demand for success? When our friends and family are saddened by their failures, how do we build empathy in a way that recognizes their experience but still draws them to focus on the larger narrative? These are good but difficult questions because they require a paradigm shift that may not be completely consistent with the rest of society. We should learn to learn to deal with failure as a source of emotional growth rather than a measure of our worth.

The goal isn’t so much to reduce the overall rate of failure in life. In fact, more opportunities for failure may indicate more potential for learning (given that one has learnt from previous losses). The goal should be to learn how to process all of life – the wins, the losses and the in-betweens, as part of the overall experience of living. That is when we can find slightly more peace in our days.