Perhaps one of the most unique things about us is our ability to evolve. We are capable of change and if we so choose, we can witness ourselves endure the multiplicities of self. If we believe that no one is born their best selves just yet, then the aspiration to achieve our continuous goal of improvement must drive us to afford ourselves opportunities to change. It is extremely ironic that we appreciate more of life as our bodies age and ache, but that is the struggle that underpins human effort. I am realizing this struggle – this struggle of aspiring towards improvement but falling back on bodily comforts and conveniences. In the process of deconstruction, am I securely able to forge a new path?

Many people I talk to share about the dread of introspection. What if they dig down and truly discover that a lot of their lives were empty? What then? Why not simply continue living as they do, as long as they do not harm others and can find their own joys. I am becoming increasingly convinced this is a fair approach. I sit right now after I’ve deconstructed most of my life’s key foundations, feeling absolutely mesmerized with the profoundness of life but also intellectually paralyzed from taking the steps to form a comprehensive worldview.

How do I reconcile the contradictions of individual liberty and universal coherence? How do I continue to be a good person knowing that I have failed previously, and am continuing to fail at it? How do I hold myself accountable to the various communities I am a part of?

I have committed 2019 to moving forward from divergent exploration towards convergent construction of who I want to be. The amount of intellectual creativity and emotional sensitivity is enormous, especially as I deal with the vicissitudes of work and life. It makes me jealous of life without assumptions, of the given benefit of religion or everydayness. It makes me wonder if this is even a path expected of the mortal soul. But it has to be, because what is the journey of life without the discovery of self and others?

January has been difficult. Ideation is difficult. Being good is difficult. Evolving is difficult. But all of these things are important. So while I make choices and encounter the consequences, I must remember this journey I’m on.

It will be one that will prove to be fruitful, I hope.