I ran a LinkedIn poll in February this year with the prompt “How do you handle the sometimes tiring need to feel validated at work?” I got a healthy number of responses but I did not feel quite ready to capture my reflections on the topic yet. I wanted to embody some of the advice provided – really assess if it worked for me as an individual. Eight months later, I am confident in putting together this post on how we can better approach the role of work in forming our identities.

The Premise

There have been a decent number of publications on the value of organisations creating a culture where positive validation is provided to employees. Often this is tied to employee satisfaction and retention and is defended in real economic terms (e.g. savings in having to train a new employee).

However, the truth is that most organisations are imperfect in creating such cultures. I have learned an inverse relationship between the occurrences where the term “bandwidth constraints” is used and where meaningful validation, not just verbal platitudes, is provided. As individuals, we must therefore find ways to reduce our dependency on validation as a motivator, which is admittedly difficult given our wiring to avoid rejection.

Humans share an innate drive to connect with others. We’re evolutionarily wired to crave inclusion. Eons ago, this was linked with our survival; in pre-historic times, rejection triggered fear. If someone became isolated or was ousted from the group, his or her life would be at risk. Because the consequences of being rejected were so extreme, our brains and behavior adapted to avoid disapproval from others. In fact, research has shown that social rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain, which helps explains why disapproval stings.

Melody J Wilding

Fear of Rejection

How then can we move away from the obsession with validation? For those of us who have the privilege of seeking counselling support, we can invest the time to unpack some of the deeper psychological constructs that shape our worldviews.

In my sessions, I learned that I could tie my desire for validation to my upbringing in which affection (not just from my parents but even teachers and other influential figures) was only provided in response to “positive” behaviour.

Therefore, the fear of rejection was a real influencer in shaping my choices in life. This realisation gives us a starting point to start reframing our experiences and making healthier decisions.

Objectives not Goals

Most of our educational frameworks teach us the importance of goal-setting. Goals give us targets to work towards and can be great motivators. However, many of us tie our identities to our abilities to achieve goals. I recall struggling with this when I saw a new Strength emerge in my recent StrengthsFinder assessment which stated that “Achiever” had joined my list. I had officially become obsessed with getting things done.

It was a podcast by Brene Brown, in which Emmanuel Acho shared his “Goals are Dumb” perspective, that really evolved my views. Simply put, goals are endpoints that disappoint us whether or not we meet them. Rather, objectives provide more realistic directional guidance for our actions and can be more open-ended. A goal can be “Get a specific performance banding in the next appraisal cycle”, and an objective can be “Become a valuable marketer to any organisation I am a part of”.

Daily Actions

Once we have got the framing right, there must also be practical steps we can take to practice intentionality in the everyday. I was grateful for the perspectives shared by my community on actions we can take. Here are the results from the LinkedIn poll:

The poll reflects my own evolution of thinking on this topic. The act of daily self-reflection is an extension of the mindfulness movement. I have learned to package it together with my morning quiet time, a session I admittedly face difficulty protecting time for, and remind myself that I am more than my work and achievements. I can be enough.

There were also some really helpful comments provided by friends in the community.

This is what I do:
1. Daily grounding & mindfulness rituals
2. Daily self-validation in the mirror: you’re loved & you’re enough – to fill up one’s cup
3. Keeping an appreciation jar
4. Learning to let in praise and let non-constructive feedback/criticisms slide (this one takes a conscious effort to practice, doesn’t come naturally esp. if one comes from an environment where we’re taught to be “humble/modest” to shrug off praise or when praise is really hard to come by). This means learning to say thank you when someone appreciates/compliments you.
5. Experiment having an appreciation buddy – where we authentically affirm/uplift one another, that safe space for us to recharge – this is super life-affirming.

Chery Wong

I especially enjoyed suggestion #5 – the older we grow, the more important it becomes for us to find trusted friends to help keep situations in perspective. I have been especially blessed by Christian brothers and sisters who remind me that work has a specific function within the Christian worldview, and we cannot let it take over our identities.

Here is another set of perspectives shared in the comments section:

Looking back on my younger days, I realise i was often overly seeking feedback (with regards to work, life) when what I was actually looking for wasn’t advice – but acceptance.

I think if we can find a safe place within ourselves & a few trusted friends to be authentic, accepting yet also accountable with ourselves, it really helps us to process this on a deeper & more transformational level.

Could also be helpful to have a personal go-to template of 5 questions to take a step back & self- evaluate in such situations.

I could write mine something like:

1) Is this about the assignment/work, about me, or about that particular person?
2) What are the facts/truth here? (If work is being criticised/unsatisfactory validation)
3) What are my deeper needs with this? (To be accepted by team. To be supported by supervisor. To prove myself cos its been a bad month. Etc)
4) What are my biases or some different perspectives about this situation?
5) What are some emotions right now that could be affecting my perspectives?

Estelle Kiora Cheng

The point of taking a slow-down approach to evaluating situations was especially helpful recently when I got some difficult feedback at work. I really wanted to be growth-minded, but there were a lot of emotions that I had to acknowledge and also process. It was helpful to be able to talk to trusted people within and outside of work, and then eventually give myself the space to take meaningful action based on facts. The point again is to take the time to process complex situations because they deserve that nuance.

Moving Forward

The truth is that validation had to come from within (and if you are spiritual, then in your identity as part of that faith). Validation from people can be unstable, conditional and in the worst case, manipulative. We must revisit core tenets of our identity and challenge dominant narratives on “why we must work”, finding our own peace with our choices.

Once that is achieved, we can also be sharper in how we move towards our objectives and become better versions of ourselves. It means that we find teams and organisations that are culturally more aligned with our healthy behaviours. It means that we deepen relationships with people who can affirm intrinsic validation. It means that we take care of ourselves and deal with harm effectively.

We are not our work – no, we are so much more.